- People who are sapiosexuals have these 6 special traits
- 1) Almost all your relationships have begun as friendships
- 2) After a first date, you still have no idea how you feel about the other person
- 3) You can still feel instant attraction to a stranger… kind of
- 5) Friendships can be confusing
- 6) People often think you are a prude
- 12 Signs You Are A Sapiosexual — Someone Who Is Physically And Mentally Turned On By Smart People
- 1. Intelligence, and deep conversation, inspires you and turns you on
- 2. Credentials don’t matter. When looking for potential partners, intelligence is always at the top of your list
- 3. You love debating
- 4. Physical attraction is great, but conversation is better
- 5. The more you get to know someone, the more attracted to them you are
- 6. You hate small talk
- 7. You are extremely turned off by foolishness or brutism
- 8. You would much rather meet someone in a bookstore than a bar
- 9. You are an incredible listener
- 10. Bad grammar is one of your biggest turn offs
- 11. It’s not just about book smarts for you
- 12. You are always looking to learn
- Omnisexual, gynosexual, demisexual: What’s behind the surge in sexual identities?
- Sapiosexuals: are some people really only sexually attracted to intelligence?
- Have you ever dated a sapiosexual?
People who are sapiosexuals have these 6 special traits
Have you heard the term sapiosexual thrown around and wondered what it meant? Or are you trying to figure out if you identify as a sapiosexual? Then read on.
Gone are the days where romance blossomed from a coy look across a ballroom or an introduction from someone your parents deemed appropriate.
In today’s world of internet dating and ‘there’s an app for that,’ it’s more ly that you’ll look at a picture on your phone for five seconds before you swipe right to indicate that you the other person. And they say romance is dead, eh?
If you identify as a sapiosexual, this world of instant matches and quick hookups may not be for you. Simply put, a sapiosexual someone who cannot be attracted to someone unless they first develop an emotional connection.
Does this sound you? asexuality.org explains it in more detail:
“A sapiosexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships.
Nevertheless, this term does not mean that sapiosexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality.
In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a sapiosexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the sapiosexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.”
What’s the bottom line? How do you know if you are a sapiosexual? Read these six signs and see if you identify.
1) Almost all your relationships have begun as friendships
You find something comforting about dating a friend. You know them and have bonded over common interests and have a solid foundation to now build a relationship on.
A friend is someone you can easily have deep and meaningful conversations with, so it makes sense that you would eventually fall for them.
The downside is that when you date a friend, you often miss out on the honeymoon or discovery phase, and instead face uncertainty about boundaries now that you have progressed from friends to a couple.
2) After a first date, you still have no idea how you feel about the other person
For the majority of people in the dating pool, they’ll go on a date with another person and at the end of the date they’ll make some decisions. Do I want to see them again? Should I give them my number? Should I kiss them goodbye?
But for you, one date is not enough time for you to decide if you the other person. You need a multitude of dates to get to know the other person intellectually and emotionally before you can figure out if you find them attractive or not.
3) You can still feel instant attraction to a stranger… kind of
Just because you identify as sapiosexual, it doesn’t mean that you can’t meet a gorgeous stranger and find them sexually attractive. You can the way they look and find that arousing. However that isn’t the full story. In order for you to feel anything deep or meaningful – it’s got to be more than looks.
You’re the opposite to your friends who go from crush to crush. For you, liking someone happens so infrequently that when it does happen it’s a huge deal. I mean, huge.
5) Friendships can be confusing
Mostly, you enter into a friendship without any agenda or idea of how your feelings will develop over time. But when you are friends with someone of the gender(s) you are attracted to and you find yourself starting to become attracted to them, it can take you, and them, by surprise.
6) People often think you are a prude
You aren’t having sex with as many people, or as often as your friends so you often get called a prude. It doesn’t mean you don’t sex, you just do what is right for you and your feelings.
For those of you who identify as sapiosexual, how about grouping together to create a rival dating app called SSFF – Sapiosexual Friends First. Where you spend a month chatting before meeting, and then after ten face to face meetings you decide if you want to start dating. Anyone? No? Awkward.
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12 Signs You Are A Sapiosexual — Someone Who Is Physically And Mentally Turned On By Smart People
A sapiosexual is someone that is sexually and mentally turned on by smart people. Sapiosexuals are aroused by intelligence.
When you think about what turns you on, and what attracts you to other human beings, romantically and pragmatically — what comes to mind? While most people will automatically have their mind turn to the way someone laughs, or the colour of their eyes, there are those in life who do not focus on those components when choosing a partner.
No, for some, it is not about what resides on the outside, but rather, they find those they want to settle down with, and spend time with, their intelligence, and their mind.
While most do consider intelligence something that aids in the pull to another human being, a group most often referred to as Sapiosexuals, find it to be the main point of sexual and soul connection.
Intelligence for this group isn’t just a bonus, it is a necessity.
Here are 12 signs you may be a Sapiosexual, because it is so much more than liking someone who uses big words and has read Infinite Jest.
1. Intelligence, and deep conversation, inspires you and turns you on
While most love a great conversation, you require it daily from the person you choose. When you hear someone talking about their thoughts, and the things that they question or know in life, you not only admire them, but you find yourself attracted to them on a level un any other.
2. Credentials don’t matter. When looking for potential partners, intelligence is always at the top of your list
You dig deeper into human beings. If there isn’t much below the surface, you find yourself bored and uninterested. You can’t even fathom being with someone that for the rest of your life. You crave intelligence, to you it is exciting, and it takes precedence over what someone does for a living, or how much money they have.
3. You love debating
If someone challenges you to a debate, you find yourself drawn to them on a deeper level. In them, you discover a counterpart who will always expand your mind, and who doesn’t shy away from using their knowledge to test or entice you. You don’t find these kinds of people stubborn or pretentious, either. You admire their eagerness, and their thirst for smart conversation.
4. Physical attraction is great, but conversation is better
Yes, you need to be physically attracted to someone in order to be with them. However, if they are simply just a pretty face, you tire easily. To you, conversation is key, and no matter how attractive someone is, if they cannot hold one, and if they cannot deepen your knowledge, they aren’t worth your time.
5. The more you get to know someone, the more attracted to them you are
While most people often find themselves enthralled with other right away, you ease into relationships and attractions.
For you, you always discover a diamond in the rough — someone who may not initially be the shiniest person in the room, but who holds within them depth and a thirst for life the more and more you dig into who they are.
When you slowly discover someone’s wit, someone smarts, their emotional intelligence, the way they speak, the way they resolve conflicts, your attraction to them grows. You are slow and steady.
6. You hate small talk
You feel physically uncomfortable when someone cannot hold a deep conversation with you. Small talk is a thing of nightmares, and you would much rather sit in silence than have to answer to someone’s comments on the weather. You admire those who use their intelligence to carry conversations forward, to expand on ideas and ask questions that fuel speaking points.
7. You are extremely turned off by foolishness or brutism
You cannot stand those who need to assert themselves through aggression or over the top gestures. You have no tolerance for men or women who are foolish,and who unravel easily.
You find it attractive when someone can meet difficult situations with poise, and with intellect.
You admire those who can rationalize their feelings, and who do not explode or fly off the handle, whenever things go wrong.
8. You would much rather meet someone in a bookstore than a bar
You don’t go to bars to meet people. Nothing is attractive about screaming your name to someone you met three minutes ago on the dance floor.
Instead, your dream date, or your dream introduction, would occur within a bookstore or at a documentary screening.
For you, this is where you will find an intellectual counterpart, because they are environments that will inspire meaningful conversation.
9. You are an incredible listener
You love when people can teach you things, and this has caused you to hone your listening skills. You admire when those you care for are able to go on about something they learned, or something they find fascinating.
Not only does this expand your mind, and connect with your value of conversation, but seeing someone so passionate about knowledge, and so capable of articulating it, makes you bubble over with admiration.
You have no problem sitting still and listening to them for hours.
10. Bad grammar is one of your biggest turn offs
If you start to talk to someone, and they text you things “Hey what r u doing?” or use short forms, you cannot stand it. You are automatically turned off, and you cannot continue talking to them any longer.
11. It’s not just about book smarts for you
While most would think that being attracted to intelligence in others refers to their knowledge of topics that are tangible, that’s not the only kind of intelligence that draws you to someone.
Instead, you also find emotional intelligence, and self-awareness incredibly sexy. You love when someone is in tune with their feelings, and you admire those who can rationalize and work through situations using their mind.
You find that kind of maturity enticing.
12. You are always looking to learn
The thought of sitting at home watching documentaries on the Universe and things you are still learning about, is ideal to you. You absolutely love anything that expands your mind, and you crave opportunities that provide you the ability to learn and grow.
You seek out people who you find smarter, because you would to learn from them. You go to panels and lectures on topics you aren’t well-versed in because you see them as a challenge, and you enjoy educating yourself on new things.
If someone you care for does not share this intellectual thirst with you, you find yourself losing interest quickly.
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Omnisexual, gynosexual, demisexual: What’s behind the surge in sexual identities?
In 1976, the French philosopher Michel Foucault made the meticulously researched case that sexuality is a social construct used as a form of control. In the 40 years since, society has been busy constructing sexualities. Alongside the traditional orientations of heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual, a myriad other options now exist in the lexicon, including:
- pansexual (gender-blind sexual attraction to all people)
- omnisexual (similar to pansexual, but actively attracted to all genders, rather than gender-blind)
- gynosexual (someone who’s sexually attracted to women—this doesn’t specify the subject’s own gender, as both “lesbian” and “heterosexual” do)
- demisexual (sexually attracted to someone a strong emotional connection)
- sapiosexual (sexually attracted to intelligence)
- objectumsexual (sexual attraction to inanimate objects)
- autosexual (someone who prefers masturbation to sexual activity with others)
- androgynosexual (sexual attraction to both men and women with an androgynous appearance)
- androsexual (sexual attraction towards men)
- asexual (someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction)
- graysexual (occasionally experiencing sexual attraction, but usually not)
Clearly, people felt that the few existing labels didn’t apply to them. There’s a clear “demand being made to have more available scripts than just heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual,” says Robin Dembroff, philosophy professor at Yale University who researches feminist theory and construction.
Labels might seem reductive, but they’re useful. Creating a label allows people to find those with similar sexual interests to them; it’s also a way of acknowledging that such interests exist.
“In order to be recognized, to even exist, you need a name,” says Jeanne Proust, philosophy professor at City University of New York. “That’s a very powerful function of language: the performative function.
It makes something exist, it creates a reality.”
The newly created identities, many of which originated in the past decade, reduce the focus on gender—for either the subject or object of desire—in establishing sexual attraction. “Demisexual,” for example, is entirely unrelated to gender, while other terms emphasize the gender of the object of attraction, but not the gender of the subject.
“Saying that you’re gay or straight doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to everyone of a certain gender,” says Dembroff.
The proliferation of sexual identities means that, rather than emphasizing gender as the primary factor of who someone finds attractive, people are able to identify other features that attract them, and, in part or in full, de-couple gender from sexual attraction.
Dembroff believes the recent proliferation of sexual identities reflects a contemporary rejection of the morally prescriptive attitudes towards sex that were founded on the Christian belief that sex should be linked to reproduction.
“We live in a culture where, increasingly, sex is being seen as something that has less to do with kinship and reproduction, and more about individual expression and forming intimate bonds with more than one partner,” Dembroff says.
“I think as there’s more of an individual focus it makes sense that we have these hyper-personalized categories.”
The same individuality that permeates western culture, leading people to focus on the self and value their own well-being over the group’s, is reflected in the desire to fracture group sexual identities into increasingly narrow categories that reflect personal preferences.
Some believe this could restrict individuals’ freedom in expressing fluid sexuality. Each newly codified sexual orientation demands that people adopt increasingly specific criteria to define their sexual orientation.
“Language fixes reality, it sets reality,” says Proust. “It paralyzes it, in a way. It puts it in a box, under a tag. The problem with that is it doesn’t move. It negates or denies any instability or fluidity.”
There’s also the danger that self-definition inadvertently defines other people.
Just as the terms “heterosexual” and “homosexual” demand that people clarify their sexual preference according to their and their partner’s gender, “sapiosexual” asks that we each of us define our stance towards intelligence.
wise, the word “pansexual” requires people who once identified as “bisexual” clarify their sexual attraction towards those who don’t identify as male or female. And “omnisexual” suggests that people should address whether they’re attracted to all genders or oblivious to them.
In Foucault’s analysis, contemporary society turns sex into an academic, scientific discipline, and this mode of perceiving sex dominates both understanding and experience of it. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy summarizes this idea neatly:
Not only is there control exercised via others’ knowledge of individuals; there is also control via individuals’ knowledge of themselves. Individuals internalize the norms laid down by the sciences of sexuality and monitor themselves in an effort to conform to these norms.
The new terms for sexual orientations similarly infiltrate the political discourse on sexuality, and individuals then define themselves accordingly. Though there’s nothing that prevents someone from having a demisexual phase, for example, the labels suggest an inherent identity.
William Wilkerson, a philosophy professor at the University of Alabama-Huntsville who focuses on gender studies, says this is the distinctive feature of sexual identities today.
In the past, he points out, there were plenty of different sexual interests, but these were presented as desires rather than intrinsic identities. The notion of innate sexual identities “seems profoundly different to me,” he says.
“The model of sexuality as an inborn thing has become so prevalent that people want to say ‘this is how I feel, so perhaps I will constitute myself in a particular way and understand this as an identity’,” he adds.
In the 1970s and 80s there was a proliferation of sexual groups and interests similar to what we’ve seen over the past five to 10 years, notes Wilkerson.
The identities that originated in earlier decades—such as bears, leather daddies, and femme and butch women—are deeply influenced by lifestyle and appearance. It’s difficult to be a butch woman without looking butch, for example.
Contemporary identities, such as gynosexual or pansexual, suggest nothing about appearance or lifestyle, but are entirely defined by intrinsic sexual desire.
Dissatisfaction with existing labels doesn’t necessarily have to lead to creating new ones. Wilkerson notes that the queer movement in earlier decades was focused on anti-identity and refusing to define yourself. “It’s interesting that now, it’s , ‘We really want to define ourselves,’” says Wilkerson.
The trend reflects an impulse to cut the legs out from under religious invectives against non-heteronormative sexualities. If you’re “born this way,” it’s impossible for your sexuality to be sinful because it’s natural, made of biological desires rather than a conscious choice.
More recently, this line of thinking has been criticized by those who argue all sexualities should be accepted regardless of any link to biology; that sexuality is socially constructed, and the reason no given sexuality is “sinful” is simply because any consenting sexual choice is perfectly moral.
Though it may sound ideal to be utterly undefined and beyond categories, Proust says it’s impossible. “We have to use categories. It’s sad, it’s tragic. But that’s how it is.” Constructs aren’t simply necessary for sexual identity or gender; they’re an essential feature of language, she adds. We cannot comprehend the world without this “tag-fixing process.”
The proliferation of specific sexual identities today may seem at odds with the anti-identity values of queer culture, but Dembroff suggests that both work towards the same ultimate goal of eroding the impact and importance of the old-fashioned binary sexual identities.
“Social change always happens in non-ideal increments,” Dembroff notes.
So while today we may have dozens of sexual identities, they may become so individualized and specific that they lose any significance for group identities, and the entire concept of a fixed sexual identity is eroded.
“We demand that sex speak the truth,” wrote Foucault in The History of Sexuality.
“We demand that it tell us our truth, or rather, the deeply buried truth of that truth about ourselves which we think we possess in our immediate consciousness.
” We still believe sex reveals an inner truth; now, however, we are more readily able to recognize that the process of discovering and identifying that truth is always ongoing.
Correction: A previous version of this post incorrectly stated both the date Foucault published ‘The History of Sexuality’ and the number of years since publication.
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Sapiosexuals: are some people really only sexually attracted to intelligence?
Age: Mid 30s.
Appearance: not important.
Why not important? Because it’s all about what’s on the inside.
What’s on the inside? Brains, baby.
I don’t get it. Am I missing something? I’ll keep it simple for you: we sapiosexuals are sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, regardless of looks.
What do you mean “we”? There are lots of us. The French equality minister, Marlène Schiappa, confirmed that she is “sapiosexuelle” in an interview.
How did the subject come up? She was being asked about a novel she had written, in which the heroine finds the former French prime minister Alain Juppé unbelievably sexy.
This is nonsense, surely. No. The term was apparently coined in 1998, “sapiens” being the Latin word for “wise”.
I knew that. Sapiosexuals are sexually aroused by intellectual debate, deep thinking and long conversations about literature.
No they aren’t. Don’t knock it just because you’ve never experienced it.
Are you calling me stupid? Never mind … you have lovely eyes.
Is anyone seriously suggesting that this qualifies as a sexual orientation? Well, it’s as much an identity as autosexuality.
It sounds a pretentious excuse for having an ugly boyfriend with no sense of humour. The term has attracted some criticism in the past from people who say it reinforces simplistic and outmoded definitions of intelligence, and that it discriminates against neurodiversity.
I’m pretty sure that’s more or less what I was saying. But the term has definitely caught on in recent years. About 0.5% of users on the dating website OkCupid identify as sapiosexual.
I suppose this emphasis on the mind over outward appearance is refreshing, but I’m still suspicious. Because you think the distinction says more about the person claiming it than the people they’re attracted to?
No, it’s just that, clever as I am, I would rather that someone loved me for my cheekbones. Don’t worry, I’m sure the right shallow idiot will come along one day.
Fingers crossed. Anyway, you probably don’t need to be a sapiosexual in order to love a sapiosexual.
Maybe not. Are they taller than me? I’ll check and let you know.
Do say: “You should message me if you 19th-century novels, quantum mechanics, opera and politics. And have never seen Love Island, I never have.”
Don’t say: “What’s the word for being sexually attracted to people with lots of money?”
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Have you ever dated a sapiosexual?
Kathleen Van Dusen recently went out with a man she met on a dating app. As they sat at the bar the man asked her what her plan in life was. “I told him I didn’t really have a plan, I have contingencies.
” Later, when the man made what Van Dusen thought was an inappropriate comment about the female bartender, she told him “not everyone can be svelte.
” He told her he didn’t know what that meant, just “contingencies,” and asked her “not to use such big words,” says Van Dusen, a communications professional in her late 40s who lives in Red Deer, Alta.
There would be no second date. A self-described “sapiosexual,” someone who is primarily attracted to intelligence over physical appearance, Van Dusen says she now screens her dates for post-secondary education.
“I just couldn’t stand going to another coffee or drink or first time meeting and having no conversation,” she says.
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In September, music producer Mark Ronson said that he identifies as sapiosexual in a headline-making interview with ITV’s Good Morning Britain, igniting a debate about the increasingly popular term. Many wondered: is sapiosexuality real, or simply a pretentious buzzword that describes a preference so common it hardly needs its own term?
(After several publications described the interview as a “coming out” moment, eliciting criticism from the LGBTQ community, Ronson backtracked. He said he didn’t consider himself a sapiosexual or part of “any marginalized community,” and apologized to anyone who took offence).
Many sapiosexuals acknowledge the term can come off elitist, but in the often superficial world of online dating, they say, identifying as such helps them foreground their interests to potential partners. Sex researchers point out there is a difference between a sexual preference and a sexual orientation.
There is almost no academic research on sapiosexuality, says Dr. Lucia O’Sullivan, a psychology professor and sexuality researcher at the University of New Brunswick. But, she says, there are plenty of studies that show most people value intelligence in romantic partners.
The term “sapiosexual,” from the Latin word sapere, meaning to be wise or knowing, was first coined by a LiveJournal user known as wolfieboy in 1998.
“I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay,” he wrote.
The term entered the mainstream in 2014, when the online dating site OkCupid allowed users to choose “sapiosexual” as their sexual orientation. There is now even a dating app exclusively for sapiosexuals, called Sapio, that launched in 2017. The term is also increasingly common on popular dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble.
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“The idea of being attracted to someone’s intelligence is not new in the slightest,” says Dr. Natasha Sharma, a Toronto-based relationship expert.
But the adoption of a special term for that attraction is no surprise considering the cultural inclination to describe our desires in specific terms, especially when it comes to online dating, she says.
“Generally speaking, there is a trend across the board, especially among the 40s and younger age group, there is more of an appetite in search of creating and owning one’s identity,” Sharma says. “What has gone along with that is the idea of naming certain aspects of their character or personality.”
Making your interest in intelligence known to potential dates by identifying as a sapiosexual could be a useful way to counteract the often superficial nature of online dating, Sharma says.
“There’s definitely more of a difficulty in establishing one’s intentions for something deeper and more meaningful in the dating culture as it presents online,” she says.
Intelligence and curiosity are so important to Van Dusen that she is immediately interested in anyone who describes themselves as sapiosexual in their online dating profile.
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“If somebody else has it then I’ll definitely swipe right on them,” she says.
But calling yourself a sapiosexual can also be a way to make potential dates quickly lose interest.
“It sounds pretentious to me. Why do you have to label what is a basic human instinct?” says Sophie Nadeau, who works in public relations in Toronto.
Nadeau has been single since her common-law marriage ended three years ago. She frequently sees the term on Bumble, and has had men tell her they are sapiosexuals during dates.
“I’ve had it dropped on me. It just makes me bristle. You don’t have to say that. Just tell me what you’re into,” she says.
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